Systems Analyst
C++, Linux, TCP/IP, Java J2EE, Ethernet, sockets,socks,shoes,
device drivers, drivers, compiler, assembly, HTTP, SSL, protocols like IM and P2P, routing,AS1, AS2,AS3, perl, awk, sed, grep, other scripting tools
If the above mumbo-jumbo means anything to you, you already know more about this job than we do. Please call but don’t email us – our server is down.
We need your help need your help need your help
Full Charge Bookkeeper
Accounts receivable, accounts payable, accounts neither receivable nor payable, debits, credits, credits, debits, trial balance, trial imbalance, P&L statements, L & P statements, payroll, taxes, unemployment insurance, FICA…
If you haven’t fallen asleep reading this ad you might be the kind of boring person we are looking for.
Send resume and salary requirements to
Funnywrite News
P.O. Box Anywhere
The Twilight Zone
Teachers
PHD in psychology or sociology. Masters degree in at least two related fields. Minimum ten years experience in public education required. $30,000 per year. No benefits. Please do not waste our time and yours by responding to this ad unless you can meet all of the above qualifications.
Vandalism Junior High
100 Warrior Street
Gangland, Ohio
Advertising
Entry level position. 5 – 8 years experience with a Fortune 500 company required. Masters degree in Advertising with a B.A. in Business Administration or Marketing required. Send 50 examples of your nationally-recognized work and letters of recommendation from the heads of three major networks to:
Funnywrite News
P.O. Box Anywhere
The Twilight Zone
LISTEN!!!!
Are you brilliant, talented, sharp, aggressive, determined, persuasive, discerning?
Then why are you reading this stupid Ad?
Work from Home
“Working closely with my business coach, I earned over $1000 in my first month in business. Within three months I made $2600, and within one year of working part time, I replaced the income from my two part time jobs, I fired my bosses and I came home.”
“We were surprised, because the first month we earned $1200, our 2nd month was $2,500 our third month was $3100. Then we really hit our stride…”
We are required by law to disclose that the earnings of the above individuasl have absolutely nothing to do with what you will earn. We put this in small print hoping that you won’t read it. The income depicted above is representative of the two most successful participants we have ever had. The majority of individuals, like you ,will earn dog poop and not last six months.
Insurance
To those select few who qualify, our company offers one of the most complete training programs in the industry. Your earnings are limited only by your desire to achieve. If you are between the ages of 15 and 65 and have not been pronounced dead in the past 24 hours, we would like to talk with you.
Union Pacific Insurance Company
Retirement Job
Ideal for a former Airline Executive
Greet, park, tow, move and marshal aircraft arriving or departing ramp area. Provide lavatory and water service as requested. Fuel/de-ice aircraft as requested. Provide shuttle service for passengers/crew as required. Assist with customer service duties as required. Provide oil and oxygen service for aircraft as requested. Assist passengers and/or crew with baggage/cargo as needed. Assist with general cleaning and clearing of debris from ramp, building and customer areas. Assist with wing-walking duties as required. Get coffee for airline pilots.
Executive Position
You are a top executive with a Fortune 500 company. During the past 5 to 10 years, you have been responsible for turning your company into one of the most successful firms in your industry. You are bright and well educated, with probably an MBA in management or finance and several undergraduate degrees. The only reason we can think of that you might be looking for another position is that your present situation no longer offers sufficient challenge to your creative genius.
If you fit the above description, you may have the ‘right stuff’. We will pay top dollar for an arrogant asshole who frightens and intimidates employees into producing results. Please send resume to
The Proctor and Scramble Company
300 West, Exclusive Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Burger Heaven
If you are one of those rare individuals who desires plenty of challenge and hard work but who doesn’t care about rewards, maybe we should talk. Burger Heaven’s management training program offers:
- Long hours
- Plenty of pressure
- Crappy benefits
- Low pay
Here’s what we require of you:
- A successful drug test.
- Consciousness (no comatose applicants will be considered).
Sales – Closers Only
Are you aggressive? Do you walk, talk, eat, sleep and urinate aggressively? If so you can earn $5000.00 per week selling my patented product. No sheep need apply. If you are a wolf, dial 333-3330. Agressively, please.
agencies
Assistant to the VP
Use your high school education to assist you in preparing for top management. You will work closely with the Vice President of fina,ce analyzing profit and loss statements, performing cost-volume-profit analysis, working on capital budgeting problems. This is a highly visible position with a Fortune 500 company. Some college accounting is desireable.
If you believe this job actually exists, you may have the kind of intelligence that would qualify you for some the positions we really have. Concts:
EXEC Employment Agency
100 E. Main St
Assistant Manager (finance)
You’ve always been a bully. This is your chance to get paid for it. You will sell consumer loans at outrageous interest rates to people who have no business borrowing money because they can’t even meet their present obligations. Then you will harass and intimidate them into paying you back. If that doesn’t work you will drive to their homes in the middle of the night and repossess their cars. If you used to pick on kids in high school, you might love this job so much you won’t care how little we intend to pay you :
Ted
Opportunity Knocks Employment Agency
The FunnyWrite Zone 